Choices – creative writing

Life is estimable of prime(a)s. Kelly, my best rec completely told dose, do many choices action altering choices. It sculpted the stay put of her entire life. I, Karmen, was standing by her. W abominat invariably happened to her. She was the altogether if young woman I had ever sleep togethern who had the ability to hurt me, make me cry, make me abhor her, tho hush up deep fell, let me love her. Of course in this con none solar mean solar solar day and age some(a) mocked our fri blockship perceived it as something more than than. However, only we knew what we meant to each different. She was my life she was exchangeable a sister to me. Our friendship undeniably was non the easiest, only when whose is?Despite total of this, I loved Kelly Mainers more than anything in my life. Let me start from the put downning. S level attain years to the day, I met Kelly. It was a cloudless day, at the beginning of September, it was app arent by the looks on every one(a )nesss appears that no(prenominal) of us wanted to be there. The weather was showing no signs of cooling, so it mat like we were attending school in the middle of pass. I noniced this girl waving her parents good bye at the gate of W whipmore Girls. She had a estimate provoking face. Long brown hair sketch her nub shaped face, and her vivid bright green eye were the focus.She caught me gaze and smiled, I did the same. We were el til now and young, fresh egress of junior school, we still prospect of each other as quite a little to talk to. After a while our friendship deepened. We had instantly clicked. Neither of us had brothers or sisters, so we filled that void in each others lives. We were mocked at school for invariably macrocosm together. No one would ever catch us with extinct the other, and when they did, they knew something knockout must be happening. The years passed, as we grew older, our friendship grew stronger. However, at near 15, gradu eachy our pe rsonalities began to differ.Kelly was into sons, make-up and clothes, whereas I was into music, food and television. We still conversed, unless the start that we had encountered at the beginning of our friendship well(p) was non there anymore. We did non feel the need to be around each other constantly. It was sad, and we deuce had noticed it, but we did not let it jeopardise the little conference we had left with each other. We both acquired more friends outside our own friendship, which in a way helped me, but not Kelly. Kellys new friends influenced her in a way that I can only describe as detrimental.I was inclined to diagnose them the Shriek lot, due to their incessant screeching whenever they scratchy a member of the arctic sex. They turned Kelly into mini clones of themselves, which I am sure you can guess, was not a good thing. After more deliberation, one Saturday at the beginning of the summer holi eld, 15 and free, I gave in and agreed to go out with Kelly. I usu every(prenominal)y get down to obviate doing this in case one of the screech crew decided to give chase along. After a long judgment of conviction, it was equitable the two of us. notioning rearward, it was the cobblers pass away clock time that Kelly and I had spent some real quality time together.We spent that whole after(prenominal)noon unless public lecture. We caught up on everything, I felt like I was getting to recognize her each(prenominal) oer again. She had changed a lot, but deep down I knew she was still Kelly. The Kelly I chose to be my best friend all those years ago. I had had one of the best old age of my life, so obviously something had to make out and spoil it. vertical our luck, it was Karl, Karl Daniels. It was obvious to anyone who laid their eyes on him that he was good expression. Consequently, this boy was houseed as Whitmore Boys finest specimen. I can still recall the effect that Karl had on Kelly and me when we first saw him.We wer e walking and I noticed him first. I stop deathlike in my tracks he literally as well ask my breath away, all clichis aside. He had an utterly captivating face. After this day, Karl became the focus of all our attention. He was the image of boy that girls lusted after and a select few actually got. or so spent their lives throwing themselves at him. I had personally fawned all over Karl for instead some time. However, soon his effect on me died down. Kelly, on the other hand, had a altogether opposite take on this. As she grew older, her lust for him grew stronger.It was seven oclock, and Kelly and I were still out and rough on our Bonding Session when Karl called out to us, So, you two wana come my way? I scowled quietly. Kelly, right on cue, giggled and tossed her hair. She had switched into coquet mode. Hey Karl, you all right? Kelly simpered, as a wide slow grinning spread over her perfect features. Uh-huh, so what you governing? You two guna come? Its this massive fellowship down at my yard, love it if you could be there, Karl replie. blatantly he was only asking me to come along out of politeness.This was a regular occurrence the guys chat Kelly up whilst I sit on the by lines watching, and assume the nickname moody bitch. nothing new there. Kelly looked imploringly at me, and I gave her one of my dont even think of asking me, you feel what my answer is, do what the hell you want looks. She seemed displeased. Karl, Id love to come you be intimate that, but it looks like my friend isnt in the party mood, and would rather I didnt go, piteous, Kelly stated. My heart went out to her, she had fancied this boy for ages and she was doing this all for me. However, Karl, world a boy, persisted further, What?She your tacit now? Who dictates you adjudge to go with her? You can come with me girl. Trust, youll consume free rein with me too Karl responded winking at her. That small insignificant gesture make Kellys mind up instantaneously. Wi th a few rushed apologies she sauntered off, arms link up with the sex god of year 11. She had picked Karl over me, a twinge of disoblige move through my body. I was aware she fancied him but she could bring forth at least tried to persuade me to accompany her. Little did she sock that going to the party would change the course of her whole life she could do nothing to stop it.It was the first day back to school from the summer holidays. I was late, and was darting around trying to get to my new form room. I had not spoken to Kelly for four weeks since that day she chose Karl over me. Neither of us had bothered to pick up the phone to each other during this time. However, Kelly was the physique of girl I tended to call a sporadic caller, i. e. they only call when they want something Personally, I vista it should be Kellys duty to do this peculiarly as she was the one that left me that serene Saturday. Things like this rarely traversed Kellys mind.My bustling bleeped and verbalise four messages received. altogether of them were from Kelly begging me to find her in the school toilets. As usual, Kelly called and I ran to her side. I made a brush off detour on the way to my form room and found Kelly session on a toilet. The door was ajar, and I found Kelly crying hysterically. I was at a complete loss. I did not know what to do why was she so upset? Kellys sobbing ceased secondmentarily, whilst she urged herself to talk, Karmen, I have something to specialise you and please dont interrupt me for once, I only want to come out with it Im fraught(p). I was gaping at her it was like a bombshell. Kelly looked so compromising I wanted to make headway out and hug her. Suddenly something snapped in me I could not put my finger on it but in a space of a second, everything had changed. Something was stopping me reaching out and skin senses my best friend. Why? She again burst into full-fledged tears and I solely could not bring myself to console her, it was impossible. I tried to reach out and touch her arm but it was as if an invisible range of mountains up was holding me back, qualification me keep my distance from her. I am not sure why this piece of news had such an effect on me.I think it was because deep down I wanted Kelly to go through for herself that the people that she hung out with were wrong for her. The old Kelly would not just up and leave and go out with a boy that she hardly knew. The eyes are the windows to your soul, Kelly had said to me five years ago. Until now, I had never understood what she meant, but she was right. When I was staring into her eyes, I could feel every scene of emotion she had in her. I was scared for Kelly. What would her destiny be 15 and expecting? Whose baby is it then? I asked, mentally running through the string of boys that we were acquainted with. Karls, she replied with a sniff. I studied her face intent on getting the truth, but Kelly made this task very easy for me Look Karmen, I dont see the menstruation in being in denial, Karl ransacked me ok? I know what youre going to say I told you, you shouldnt have gone with him in the first place blah blah blah. I know it was entirely my fault and I know you think it is to. We were making our way to the party and he was being so nice. Treating me well. Before I was drunk at the party, I didnt really know anyone, so I hung around with him. One thing led to another and was kissing him, nothing more.I went and hung out with some of the shriek crew and that was all right. wherefore a couple of hours later, Karl came up to me. His breath stank of alcohol and he tried to kiss me. I pushed him away. However, in the end I just could not help it, I liked him so untold and I gave in to temptation. I was in his room and we were just talking, Kelly again broke down into tears, I let her cry it out, but she started to talk again. I am an idiot I was classa drunk I didnt even know what I was doing, let just when, where and how. I doubt I even enjoyed it. I mean I liked him yeah, but not profuse to do something like that with him.I dont know, I lost my virginity to him and I didnt even want to. He was so rough, and his eyes were evil. It was as if a different Karl had taken over. He wasnt the same sweet, innocent faced boy that I had fancied for so long. I am such a mess, and I am so sorry I didnt ring you. I did not know what to do with myself Ive been a nervous wreck. Seriously Karmen, as a mate, I need to know that youll be here, right beside me. What could I say? After hearing all that, the invisible string that was holding me back let go. Apart from anything else, I managed to give her some degree of solace.I doubt I alleviated any of her pain but I did my best. Something that really bugged me was the fact that she did not seem too bothered close to Karl raping her. Rape, the dictionary defines it as a) if a man rapes a woman, he violently forces her to have sex with him against her w ill b) rape is the act or crime of raping a woman. The next day, Kelly talked for two hours straight, and I just listened. Listened to what she had to say and how she felt. It was her time and not mine. I came out of it sensation different. Different as in doubtful but not once did Kelly speak about how she had been violated by Karl.I thought a lot over the next few days. I recalled all the conversitions that Kelly and I had had about Karl (which was quite a few). All the evidence pointed to the fact that Kelly wanted this to happen. Not that it was pre-meditated or anything, more that she wasnt bothered about the fact that she had been violated and her virginity had been lost to a terrible crime like rape. It would make sense, I mean she had invariably fancied him, and I was positive that her disembodied spirits for him were more physical than anything else. She was not so much upset about the fact that he raped her, more the fact that she was pregnant.I mean obviously the suspi cions that I had were not stir solid, but they felt right. A few months passed, I consciously distanced myself from Kelly. Not that she had noticed, of course. She got a lot of teasing when her bump started to become prominent, but those people soon refrained from this when she began coming out with her version of the truth. She was basking in the glory of being one of the only girls to lose their virginity in year 11. However, what she called basking, I called amplify. She was crow that she had had sex with Karl. What was she? Did she not catch what she was saying?I only caught snippets of her conversations but I was quite sure what I had comprehend was true. Kelly was claiming to the rest of the class that Karl did not rape her, but that she was the consenting party in this. This just consolidated my suspicions. My best friend was a liar. Yeah, I know. He looked too buff that night. He was so sweet. Im glad my first time was with him, I heard Kelly say. Since when had rapists been sweet? It was not that I was eavesdropping more determination mulish to unveil the truth. Seriously Yeah I heard from someone that you got off with him that night How was it?Youre such a lucky bitch, us lot would all kill to be with Karl the unknown gossip hungry girl said. Look, I aint the type of girl who kisses and tells you know You wana know what went on, you have to ask him, distinctly Kelly was avoiding the question. So, did this mean she was raped? I mean at the beginning of the conversation, it sounded like she had wanted this to happen am I right? However, towards the end, it was the complete opposite to that. I had concluded that if I was going to get my answers, there were two things that I requisite to do and have a) courage and b) confront her.Eventually, I did muster up enough courage to confront her. The thought of Kelly covert all her pain from people was hurting me. Did she not trust others with her mysterious? Obviously the paranoid side of me kicked in and I thought that maybe she had not been raped, and it was all a ploy to get attention from me. I mean we had grown apart but lying about something so serious, that was uncalled for. Therefore, the purpose of the conversation was to get the truth, the real truth from what they call the horses mouth. In a way, deep down, at that time, I thought I knew the truth, I just needed to hear it for myself. Kelly, did Karl rape you or not? I dont understand, you came to me and told me that he had raped you, and at the very same time youre bragging to all your other friends that Karl had had sex with you. Im sure you can see how I feel I am confused and I cant help it youre send me mixed messages. Were you raped or werent you? Did you want him to? Is that why you went telling the whole year how you got off with him? You disgust me you know that to even think that I spent time thinking of you, hoping it would all get better whilst youre posing here weaving all your lies. She was silent.Fo r once in her entire life, Kelly had no comeback for me. She had not taken her eyes off me for five transactions straight. None of us had uttered a word, just exchanged threatening looks. She offered me no explanation, and just before she walked off, she told me Maybe if you came with me to the party this wouldnt have happened, you thought about that Karmen? Typical Kelly, cant face up to anything can you, so you hawk the blame onto someone else. Youve been found out and you cant handle it, I yelled after her. I watched the back of my best friend as she walked away and gain we were the complete opposite of that.We had changed so much along the way I hardly knew who she was anymore. I could not take it. Why should I have to be responsible for all the mistakes that she makes? She had the audacity to say that it was my fault she got pregnant because I didnt go to the party with her. I could not just be there at her disposal all the time, day in and day out. There was a time when I considered Kelly as my one and only best friend. I had moved on. This girl was some kind of unknown region to me. I was physically disgusted with her. I had considered her my own flesh and contrast and now she was having a baby.The old Karmen would have stood by her, but not now, she was on her own. I had decided that I was going to make a stand for myself, see how she could handle her life without me. As evil as I must sound by saying this, it was all-true. My capricious friend had her comeuppance, and to some extent, I was glad. With hindsight, I regretted doing this. I did not realise how much my words had affected her, how much me not being there for her had make to her. A few short months after the confrontation, I had not heard or seen Kelly around. According to gossip, she had had a baby girl.Kellys mum left infinite messages for me on my answering machine everyday, begging me to come and visit her. Her last few messages started to become a bit more desperate and persona l. Kelly had postpartum depression she was rejecting the baby. That was Kelly all right she could not face up to anything, not even something as serious as this. A few days after Kellys mums message about her postnatal depression, I received a letter from Kelly Dear Karmen, Letters, dont you find they are the best form of communication? Remember when we used to write letters to each other day in and day out.I still have all of them you know, they mean so much to me, please dont ever forget that. This may be the last letter I will ever be writing, to you, or anyone else. Do you mobilise the first day of Whitmore? I smiled at you, you smiled back. From that moment onwards I knew that we were meant to be friends, we clicked you know? I knew that you were the only one like me in that hellhole. To this day, I stand by that comment. Do you remember the days when we were literally obsessed with Karl, and we spent the whole day looking for his house? Took us ages, but we persevered and f ound it.Since you have stopped talking to me, my whole world has literally crashed around me. Have you forgotten all the good times that we spent together? I havent. I sat in bed last night, just thinking about all the times weve spent in each others company sitting on the terrace, contemplating on life. Those were some of the best days of my life. I miss that in fact, I miss you. My life feels like nothing without you by my side. I know people were always commenting about how close we were for just friends, but was and still is true, we are more than friends. I consider you as a sister.I will be the first one to admit, that the shriek crew were some of the people that thought we were more than that. I told them otherwise. I stood up to them Karmen, that was something you always said I couldnt do. I found this in a book Dont walk in front of me, I may not follow Dont walk behind me, I may not reach Just walk beside me and be my friend When the whole Karl raping me thing happened, I didnt know what the hell to do. I felt so violated by him, but I couldnt tell anyone. Everyone had been at the party and seen what had happened, they all just thought Id got a bit carried away and slept with him.But, it wasnt like that. You should have seen his face when he did it, it was so indelicate. I cried for days on end after it had happened. To make it worse, the shriek crew all assumed that I had wanted it to happen with him. Yes, I was physically attracted to Karl, but not to the extent that I felt I needed to lose my virginity to him. It stung when you insinuated that I had lied to you, when I had not. You confronted me that day and I blamed you for this happening to me, I realise I shouldnt have. It was your choice not to come with me, and now, looking back, I wished I had not gone either.As usual, I felt I needed someone to blame for my actions, but you werent the one. All I wanted was for someone to tell me, Kelly, it wasnt your fault, but no one did. I thought I had to put up a front for the shriek crew. I didnt want to be known as the freak that was raped. Besides, I know them better than you do they were overtly laughing that time when Chrissy got raped by that university guy. How would I tell them this? So, as usual to get out of it, I spun my intricate web of lies to get out of the predicament. I wasnt lying to you you are the one person in my life I would never aspiration of deceiving.Karmen, I trust you with my life. Do you know what kept me going that day and night? No? That I could tell you and you could give me the support that I needed. I did not need the shriek crew if you were there by my side. Where were you Karmen? Where were you when I needed you most? I had my baby, where were you then? I called and called you for days on end, why didnt you ring me back? I love you so much, and the one time in my life I needed you, you just were not there. Was this some kind of punishment for the ways Ive treated you in the past? I didnt deserv e that.I had just been raped by a guy that I had fancied for ages and you were punishing me, I could not comprehend. When I told Karl that I was pregnant with his baby, he literally told me Well, thats your fault, leave me alone and stop telling people the baby is mine. Can you even begin to imagine how I felt? I had been raped by him. Foolishly, expect that he had an iota of decency in him, he would help me obviously he didnt. I rang you so you would know what I called my baby Karmen. Do you know why I called her that? Because when baby Karmen grew up, I wanted her to be just like you.A strong, good person, not like her mother. I rejected baby Karmen, I had postnatal depression, and did you come and see me then? many times my mum left messages on your phone for you to visit me, and did you? Did it get across your mind to talk to the girl that you spent the better part of you life with? I better cut to the chase I know how you hate long letters. I cant take life anymore Karmen. I just cannot take it. Its such a mess, baby Karmen I did not and still do not want her, and I doubt I ever will. I love her, but I cannot outwardly show my love. How do you think that makes me feel?Every night she sits and cries and I cant go anyplace near her. Im afraid of what I could potentially do to her. What Karl did to me affected me psychologically in a way I doubt anyone will ever understand. To some extent, not even I understand why Im feeling this way. I dont think the true effect of the rape really hit me until after I had Karmen. Before that I had comprehended with the fact that I had been raped, I just had not had time to get over it. Im a weak person Karmen, all this pressure I cannot deal with. Without you, I had no one to offload my worries and problems onto.No one to talk it all out with. Now youre not here for me, I dont see the point in living. I want to die. Its not just one of my phases, Ive been feeling suicidal for quite some time. Only now have I built up the courage to do something about my life, and my choice is to end it. This is the last letter you will ever be receiving from me, and the last time you will be hearing from me in general. So, I just want to say You were like a sister to me Karmen, the child that my parents didnt have but always wanted. You are irreplaceable, and I know some other girl will take my place as your best friend.Being the kind hearted person that you are, you will be equally good to them as you were to me. I thank you so much for all you did for me in the time that I have known you. I love you Karmen, and whether I am dead or alert, nothing is going to change that. I am sorry Im leaving it this way, I wish I didnt have to, but I feel I no longer have any other choice. Goodbye Karmen, I love you with all my heart. Kelly x P. S. You always said that I have to be the one who the makes choices in my life. This is my choice. I need not to be alive anymore. I chose to lie about Karl and all that.I control my life now that is what you always told me to do Ive through it Karmen. I have finally taken control of my life it is all in my hands now. I read the letter I was just numb and immobilised. My world had been instantly transformed. She had hung herself. As disrespectful as this must sound I thought that if Kelly ever killed herself, she would take pills. However, she did not, she chose something that would hurt her, she did not take the easy way out for once. I mean hang yourself is not exactly the most comfortable position. Kelly and I had both made many choices in our lives.Hers, however, were very drastic. It all started when she chose Karl over me. If she had not she believably would not be dead right now. The grief I was undergoing at heart of me was overwhelming, all I could think of was what if I had just gone with her to that party? What if I had just believed her and not confronted her that day? Returned all her phone calls. All these questions were literally eating me alive. For the first time in my life, I felt guilty. It was terrible it was like a wave of heat frequently swept over me. Every time this happened, I felt like being sick, I hated it I wanted all this grief to go.The reminiscence of the letter brought tears to my eyes. What must she have been feeling when she wrote it? I was astound she was gone, and I could not come to terms with it. The other day the shriek crew decided to confront me, they blamed me for her death. They are truly heartless. I had just lost a best friend and they were lecturing me about how I should not have ignored all her calls etc. What do they know? They were the downfall of Kelly, if she had just realised they were not the right configuration of people she should have been hanging around with, she may have been alive at this moment in time.It was the day of her funeral. Kellys parents were distraught they could not infiltrate what made her do this. According to them, Kelly was always such a smart girl, and towards the end, she had shown no signs of feeling suicidal. Evidently, they were not the most observant parents. The last choice that I made concerning Kelly was to give the eulogy at her funeral. It was my last attempt to discern why, why I neglected her in the recent months. and then it came to me it was my choice to.